Welcome to “Mrs. Harty’s Charm School”

fter years of putting a lot of effort into learning about and trying to have good manners, good grammar, and good old-fashioned charm, I’ve decided to have some fun sharing my ideas and opinions about HOW TO BEHAVE, also known as how NOT to be a BOORISH BORE.

Areas I will comment on (and encourage you to comment on) include:

• Etiquette, or How to Act Like an Intellectually Developed Homo Sapien
• Grammar, or How Not to Put your College Professors to Shame
• Style, or Putting Some Effort Into How You Look Everyday
• Organizing, or How Clearing Clutter is Like a Breath of Fresh Air
• Entertaining, or How to Be the Host(ess) with the Most(est)

If you have a pressing etiquette, grammar, style, organizing, or entertaining question, please email me at hharty@comcast.net.

(Posts are in reverse-chronological order so you may want to start at the “101′s“).  Now let’s get started…

Manners for Millennials: an Encouragement

The Millennial generation has been tagged as the generation with underdeveloped social skills. If I were a Millennial, I’d be insulted.  Every generation is a product of the social, political, and family situations in which they were shaped.  I’m sure, in fact I’m positively sure, my parents thought our generation were a bunch of party-seeking, authority-hating, wiseguys who would surely end up in jail or as porn stars!  Funny, as we matured, we all pretty much ended up with “normal” lives – married, kids, homeowners, office workers.  But we still love to party and we learned to play the work game as we grew up.  Most of us in our 40s and 50s – the women – have become the “cougars” of derision or admiration depending on your viewpoint.  We trade clothes with our teenage girls and knock back a few brews with them on occasion.  So let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and guide them into the world beyond high school and college.  They probably think they know everything – just the way we did! – but good manners are important no matter what your generation, your ethnicity, or your financial circumstances.

BusinessWeek had this article about Gen Y’s negatives when it came to manners:

http://www.businessweek.com/magazine/content/10_43/b4200089796703.htm

But FastCompany had this article about their positives:

http://www.fastcompany.com/magazine/149/do-something-in-defense-of-millennials.html

Some behaviors, particularly in the workplace, have nothing to do with generational differences.  How you act and how you react to the environment around you is important for your own reputation and happiness.  Here, then, a few recommendations for Millennials who are just getting out into the work world:

1. Just like you would not wear a fur coat to a PETA rally, you should think about not wearing your clubbing outfit to an interview. Traditional business attire will make you look fantastic and totally impress your potential new bosses. Plus think of the fun of spending money on new outfits. A lot of people now have tattoos – hidden or obvious – including Mrs. Harty! – I just would suggest you don’t showcase your body art above your creative mind or warm personality.  Let those be uppermost instead.

2. You may be the coolest, up-and-coming cohort, but it’s still a nice idea to be considerate of the varied people around you.  If you sit next to an older person at work, keep in mind that they may have a hard time concentrating on their tasks if you are cranking your music in the next cube.  Earbuds and headphones are the best invention known to humankind in the office!

3. Discretion is still the better part of valor.  In other words, there probably isn’t a single personal thing you are going through that your older co-workers haven’t been through – I mean it – Boomers were the abortionistas of the 70s and 80s, remember – so your romantic and social histrionics really don’t need to be broadcast to them.  Being a bit discrete about these things will make you look like a more mature version of your otherwise emotionally charged peers.

4. Do keep in mind the reason you are at work is because someone felt you were good enough to pay you for your time and service. I always felt: if I take their money, I have to give them what they are paying me for.  Though I understand you are able to text, Tweet, post on FB, and enter data into a database accurately all at the same time.  I’m impressed.  It may look like you’re not working, though.  Focus on the work in front of you and keep the social networking to a minimum. Kind of like talking on your cellphone while driving a transit train – remember what happened to that women who hit another train and killed half the people on board. 

5. Find a mentor.  When I was entering the corporate workforce, women were climbing their way up the ladder and would hardly help out any of us younger ones.  You are lucky that most professionals are comfortable and confident in their achievements now and are willing to mentor younger workers.  We do have knowledge to help you navigate the lousy situations you may find yourself in occasionally.

6. I understand that some of you view everyone on the planet as equal.  I’ve heard you consider the CEO no different from the janitor.  You just graduated with a degree in Marketing so why shouldn’t you start at the top?  Come on, simmer your ego – that CEO probably started where you did once.  S/he probably sacrificed time, comfort, ego, and soul to get where s/he is now.  You have to EARN your status; it is not a given for any of us.  Your parents telling you that you’re wonderful may be true, but the work world just is what it is. Get in the door, be polite, work steadily, take on the extra assignments, say hello to everyone, dress like a young sophisticate, and you will start getting promoted.  Draw up a plan now and put it in place once you’re in the work world.  You must put in effort!

7. Remember, Generation X were considered ping-pong-in-the-office-playing weirdos at first.  They blew the top off stuffy, old corporate culture.  They were incredibly innovative with new technology – not just using it but actually developing the whiz-bang devices and systems we have today.  But they’re hitting their 40s now – and they are a tough act to follow.  Until you achieve what they did, buffer your budding ego for a bit and observe how they operate.  I married one and I’m still amazed at his brain!

The world has changed as it does every single generation – this is not new.  Kind and considerate behavior to all people never goes out of fashion.  Self-respect and self-discipline doesn’t, either.  Etiquette and good manners make you a better version of your already wonderful self.  Knowing how to act in any situation takes the burden of confusion away from you so you can just be yourself – a better version of yourself!  All in the name of self-development as we roll out yet another generation of Americans.  Blessed be!

Buy It Because You Like It

I just returned from a tour of artists’ studios in a charming town in southern New Hampshire.  One thing that impressed me as we toured home studios was the eclectic mix of furniture and accessories chosen by these incredibly creative people – not just the art we were there to view and purchase – but the whole package presented in and out of their homes.

I suddenly felt like tossing all my home decorating and gardening magazines!

The thought with which I came away was liberating when it comes to personal style. If you see, say, a lamp or a chair that really strikes your fancy in a store, don’t second guess yourself regarding it fitting in to a certain conventional style.  Oftentimes, I’ll pass up a clock or print because I think, “it doesn’t look traditional enough”, or, “it’s too different to fit into my earthy-toned home”.

But the irony is, I think, that if the item grabbed you visually to begin with, it DOES fit into your style – it’s YOU.

The riotous mix of earthiness, comfort, and collectibles we call Victorian must have started this way. As the 19th century English colonized exotic locations around the world, they brought back items that did not “fit” into the traditional austere home.  Many of those items became valuable antiques years later. A style was created that lingers in our minds and still shows up in movies and television shows (think the Addams Family).

Nowadays, people with this sense of individual style have homes expressing everything from Zen to 1980s sophisticated country. That urge to surround oneself with small and large objects that particularly showcase a personal style is probably one of the most authentic. Your home or apartment SHOULD show who lives there, whether or not someone else thinks it’s attractive.

Think back to when you were a teenager and decorated your bedroom just the way you wanted it. That was probably the last time most of us put the time and (part-time job) money into our own personal style. Our bedrooms became the oases – the sacred space – we seemed to lose sight of as we got married and settled into conventional behavior.

Those artists and craftspeople whose home studios we toured have not lost that sense of individualism and the fascinating mix of items and colors we all expressed as little budding adults in our bedrooms of yore.  In fact, any artistically-inclined people I know now, even if they don’t display their talents in art shows, still seem to have this eye for unusual or striking articles in their homes.

So what are some of these articles? I wish I had pictures, but let me try to draw a picture with words.

Carpets of rich color blocks or natural bamboo flooring, couches that invite you to sink into them and pull a hand-woven blanket over you, statuary both in the house and in the garden evoking a more stately time, furniture arranged in creative angles within a room (mostly not against walls), room-dividing drapery that does not look hobo-ish, earthy materials such as tile, stone, wood, and brick in unexpected places such as on the walls or in an alcove, trims of metallic gold, silver, and copper along picture frames or in accessories, lots of large plants or potted trees bringing the outdoors in and enhancing both the cozy and dramatic feel of the room, framed art on the walls that invite commentary, all very often set against a neutral wall color or one wall chosen for its riotous color.

So if IKEA is your taste, by all means, go and fill your home with IKEA. But if you’re buying Ethan Allen because you think it’s the “correct” thing to do, I would suggest you rethink your personal style.  If Ethan Allen IS your style, no further discussion is necessary. But make sure your home is a “reflection of you” as they say and not a reflection of what you think you should look like.

Now I need to find a slate-colored velvet ottoman for my home office…

Talking Politics

Remember that old adage, “Don’t discuss politics or religion in mixed company”?  There was a reason former doyens of manners advised this. They were trying to save interpersonal relationships from going to hell over entrenched individual ideologies. I am never going to convince you to adopt my world view and you probably won’t convince me to take yours. Personal perspectives are at the core of who we are: our values, our very emotional needs.

The political landscape is such a hot bed right now that I know of family members and friends who are no longer speaking to each other because of Left-Right fights. Television and radio pundits are positively foaming at the mouth about every possible issue facing us right now.  People are angry, people are frustrated, people are scared. I don’t think the country has been so cognitively divided since the Civil War.

The political situation will change again and again and again throughout our lifetime. Your friendships and family relationships don’t have to.  Whatever brought you together with certain friends probably still exists inside both of you.  Political differences can be handled better.  How about trying some of these more rational methods?

1. If you feel strongly about a particular political party or ideology, join a coalition to be with like-minded others so you can work towards what you want to see happen in America.

2. Research candidates and make sure you vote!

3. Send money to causes or candidates of your choice.

4. Write your congresspeople anytime something happens that really burns you up.

5. Start a blog of your opinions so you feel your voice is being heard.

Attacking someone’s personal political views (particularly when they have not started the conversation) is rude and mean.  No two ways about it.  We probably wouldn’t attack their weight or housekeeping but we feel perfectly free to slam them with insults and criticisms about their political views.  Their views are just as personal as ours and stem from their life experiences (which are often different from ours).  Work with the power structure that is in Washington to change what you don’t like; bombarding an ideological opponent with your vitriol won’t do a thing but make you look like a bully.

A respectful political debate sitting ’round the living room is different. I’ve learned a lot about why people feel what they feel by TALKING WITH THEM as opposed to fighting blindly with them. Why does one person want more government control and why does another want less? Why does one person think we should tax the rich and another think we should give them tax cuts? Why do some people want diversity laws and others want to close the US borders? I can’t stress enough how much you can learn (and even influence others) if you ASK QUESTIONS instead of make sarcastic comments or out-and-out call them morons.  The more you know about the opposition’s views, the more you can either a) rationally try to change their minds with your brilliant monologues, or b) at least walk away understanding their EMOTIONAL reasons for thinking like they do.  I’ve found most strong opinions come from some deep well of FEAR – fear of losing money, status, or control.  That is one fear we all share.

Okay, I haven’t convinced you, have I?  How about some good old fashioned etiquette rules?

1. Don’t discuss politics or religion in mixed company.

Discuss it till your eyes glaze over when in like-minded company.

The freedom to feel, believe, and vote as an individual is one of the greatest things about being an American.  Everyone has rights to this.  So many other countries do not. Their governments are tyrannical and controlling.  Most of us have no idea what that would feel like; we are liberty-rich in America.  Paying homage to others’ rights to believe and vote as they please is the gracious thing to do. This IS a Charm School blog after all.

Driving Under the Influence of Courtesy

Now I am forced to become the driving diva of roadway manners!

Let’s set down some basic behind-the-wheel rules:

1. Don’t drive 60 MPH in the fast lane.  The fast lane is for crazy and/or impatient people who want to get somewhere fast (75+ MPH).  Get out of their way.  Blocking the fast lane is just passive-aggressive behavior.  Move into the slow lane and cruise to your heart’s content.

2. Use those little signal things car manufacturers put on your steering wheel for when you are going to make a turn.  I cannot read your mind.  When your brake lights go on at 40 MPH, I’m not sure if you’re avoiding a turtle or contemplating a turn.  Warn me ahead of time, please.

3. When the traffic light ahead of you turns yellow, start to slow down.  Press foot on brake lightly.  That’s so when the traffic light turns red, you can come to a full stop.  For those of us with the green light at the opposing crossroad, we appreciate not having to wait as you careen through the intersection.  Wait your turn.

4. Please do not pull out in front of me, the only car on the road, as I’m traveling 40 MPH, and then decide to poke along at 25 MPH.  I’m not sure why you rushed to pull out in front of me on this empty road.  I have to assume you are really dense or self-absorbed.  I spend the rest of the ride praying you’ll turn off soon because the solid yellow line prohibits me from passing you.

5. Do you know the rules of a four-way stop?  I notice some drivers seem to know how to do this, others are clueless.  You go clockwise around the intersection.  East goes, then South, then West, then North, or A-B-C-D, however you want to think of it.  That way the cars lined up at East-A don’t keep coming while you, at South-B, sit and wait with your hood oh-so-blatantly sticking out into the intersection. Clockwise, clockwise, next, next.  Make it a mantra at four-way stops.

6. Let’s play a game called PICK A LANE.  Most of us manage to drive squarely in the right or left lane while some of you insist on straddling the center line.  About the time a traffic light comes up, the straddlers drift into a lane of choice.  In the meantime, the rest of us are forced to idle behind you stuck in limbo until your royal highness makes a decision.

I like to follow the negative with the positive, so kudos to drivers who do the following things:

1. Give way to side-street drivers who have been waiting 15 minutes to pull onto a busy main road (particularly during the commuting hours).

2. WAVE a thank-you when someone does them a courtesy  – such as let them pull into busy main road traffic during commuting hours.

3. Care enough to adjust their parking between the lines at crowded supermarket parking lots and the like.

4. Obey speed limits particularly on back roads where someone’s child or that child’s cat may run across the road.

5. Use their signals and actually remember to turn them off once they’ve turned!

6. Enjoy their music at less-than-ear-splitting decibels.  (There’s nothing I like better than the chest-cavity-pounding of angry RAP music coming from the low-rider Honda next to me at a stop light while I’m listening to NPR on my morning commute – NOT!)

Driving etiquette, like every other etiquette, is based on remembering you are not the only person on Earth.  Pay attention and remember you are sharing the road with some pretty big trucks and buses, too!  Ouch!

Marital Etiquette

Oh, boy, we could spend scads of time on this subject!  I can already hear the comments coming in.  Each marriage is so different, how can you even put all-encompassing etiquette rules together?  I don’t believe you can, so I’m only outlining some basics.

For some reason, perhaps you’ve forgotten why, you decided it would be a good thing to marry this other person.  People marry for all sorts of reasons, right? Security, sex, fun, children, money, maybe even because you have SHARED VALUES and are BEST FRIENDS.  That would be wonderful if every marriage were for those last reasons.  But because they are not, problems arise.  Problems with putting yourself first, feeling unappreciated or taken for granted, one partner with a wandering eye, another one with a major black mark like alcoholism, lack of mutual respect, realizing you share NO values, realizing you’d rather be at work than at home with them, when going out with your friends is way more fun than being home with them, when your sexual attraction wanes, when children come along and you’re bamboozled, I could go on and on…

1. Since you married this person and you aren’t thinking of getting divorced, you must always consider them before friends or family.  Of course, they need to do this for you, too.  If they are not, a non-snarky conversation or two may help to put things right.  Most reasonable people want to get along and want their partner to be happy.  But this little basic rule will circumvent many a larger problem.  We all want to feel loved and respected.  Putting your partner’s feelings first will ensure they are getting that message always.

2. Watch your words and tone of voice when debating or even arguing.  You can say to your partner, “Well, I don’t really view the solution to the Middle East problem to be dropping a Daisy Cutter the size of Texas, but I hear your frustration with the lack of action on all sides.”  This is better than, “What the hell is the matter with you? That is the most immature and irrational solution I’ve ever heard”.  The first approach takes – you guessed it! – EMPATHY and EFFORT, the hallmarks of good behavior.  The second approach is how most people like to fight – ha – we all want to fight like that!  But if you really do love and respect your partner, try the first method instead.

3. Always have some long-term goals together.  Planning for next year, next decade, and/or the afterlife together really binds you as a couple.  When you splay off too much in different directions, the fabric starts to fray.  Then other problems come up.  You start to lose sight of the “putting the other person first” view and that usually leads to fighting with the “second approach”.  Yuck.  My stomach gets upset just thinking about it.  Sit around and talk about these plans – a trip?  a new dog? an addition to the house? another child? a relocation?  Whatever it is, if you’re planning it together there is a wonderful sense of TOGETHERness and an inspired view of your future TOGETHER.

4. Create household rituals together. I’m not talking about draping yourselves in black and chanting in front of a candle while burning sage.  I mean routine, personal daily or weekly activities you share.  Making coffee before bedtime for the next morning, walking the dog after work, washing and drying dishes after a meal, one vacuuming while the other dusts (is this possible to get your spouse to do??), watching a particular news program each night or a weekly favorite show, competitive video games, Sunday jaunts out for brunch, Saturday yard work together.  Shared tasks that are generally pre-scheduled have a way of putting you on the same wavelength.

5.  Be sexually considerate of each other. Don’t try to make your spouse have sex when he/she is harried or suffering from a fever of 102.  But don’t say no unless you are in the throes of a poison ivy rash on your privates.

6. Be kind. Say please, thank you, and excuse me.  Ask if they want anything if you’re going up for another beer.  Speak well of them to others.  Always cushion a complaint about them with a compliment when dishing with your girlfriends. Be interested in their hobbies, at least to inquire occasionally on how things are going, what is that?, how was the convention?, etc.  This advice goes TWO WAYS.  We hope they are doing the same for you.  If not, have them read this blog.

7. Don’t waste your partner’s money and don’t be a tightwad with them, either. Both partners should be involved in shared money even if only one handles bills and legal paperwork.  Both should know what is coming in, what is going out, how much is reserved for monthly bills, and when it’s okay to take cash out of savings.  No major decisions should be made without the others’ knowledge.  I don’t even like vacation surprises put on a new credit card – but that is just me because I’m the frugal one.  That may not bother you, but it may bother your partner, so be considerate.

8.  Share laughter! Share commentary on other guests after you’ve come home from a party, talk about the absurdity of some co-workers, make fun of politicians, make fun of yourself!  My husband does the funniest random voice impressions and makes up mocking songs on his guitar about people who are mean or selfish.  I like to put on a high-brow demeanor and comment on stupid human behavior and use phrases like, “Good God”  or “Well!” as if I were Queen Victoria.  Sometimes he makes me laugh so hard I can’t see.

Of course, NONE of this works if both parties aren’t committed and engaged in the effort.  I truly believe you try everything to save a marriage (particularly if children are involved) including talking, changing your behavior if YOU are the one being an idiot, professional counseling, time alone together, time apart, going to church together, or personality tests to pinpoint the conflicts, whatever!  If in the end, the other person won’t change, BAIL OUT!  You’ve done your best.  Just have a financial plan in the wings before you jump ship.

Side note: Elizabeth Gilbert’s [Eat, Pray, Love] latest memoir, Committed, is a wonderful, fast read on everything from the history of marriage to her own inner fears with marriage.  Pick it up if you need more insight into your own marriage or are thinking of getting married.  We have more freedom today than we’ve had in a long time when it comes to getting wed – don’t let the old stereotypes ruin what can be a companionable, exhilarating union.

How to Handle Expired Friendships

Is there anything sadder or more uncomfortable in daily life than a friendship that has “expired”?  Well, of course, there are many things (death, divorce, bodily injury, job loss, etc.) but knowing a friendship has ended even if you are the “ender” is unfortunate.

Friendships start, blossom, and either continue or end.  Some just fade away, some end abruptly, sometimes the person can’t stand to see you anymore, sometimes you find you just have nothing in common with them anymore.

Following are some tips to lessen the blow of an expired friendship.  I have learned the hard way, believe me!

If you have ended the friendship:

1. Don’t explain to the person why you haven’t contacted them.  Particularly don’t point out to them all the things they have done wrong to earn your boredom or disdain.

2. Don’t freak out to the point where you look like the lunatic.  Even if they have done something really heinous, discretion is the better part of valor, as they say.  Try to contain.  It could be that at the last encounter you had, you may have already let your pique be known.  Leave it at that.

3. If you run into them unexpectedly in public, refrain from skulking behind the potted palms.  When you see them, quell the butterflies in your stomach and simple say, without false enthusiasm, “How have you been?”  Remember, you deliberately did not end the friendship with a scene so you should not be embarrassed about seeing them again.  It was your choice; you had your reasons.  Maybe they were really hurting you and you just had to get away.

4. Some people are so dense, they will assume that seeing you again and having you be civil means they actually did nothing wrong, you were just busy, and will want to re-spark the relationship.   Be strong.  I guarantee nothing has changed; they will still drive you crazy within a week.

5. De-friend them on Facebook or at least Hide them.  Don’t respond to Wall postings or private Messages.  You have to resist.  This person may be bad for you; they may be just selfish and you are tired of them sucking out your marrow.  Let them pay for professional therapy instead! Regardless, you have a right to protect yourself.

If someone has ended a friendship with you:

1. Because you are a socially savvy person, only an ignoramus would end a friendship with you, of course, but that goes without saying!  Seriously, though, occasionally, maybe something about you, your lifestyle, or your politics turns someone off.  And suddenly you get the silent treatment.  Let it go.  It hurts, but chances are it’s for the best.  Respect that person’s decision to divorce from you – you may have been killing them somehow.

2. Don’t hound them with phone calls or emails.  If you contact them once and get no response, you know they are choosing not to contact you.  They always got back to you in the past.  Because you are an intuitive person, you probably felt something was “not right” for a little while.

3. If you run into them in public, don’t scold, don’t scowl, don’t rush up to them gushing, “What happened?”.  Take a cue from their behavior – just smile and ask how they’ve been (if they speak to you).  Wish them well and let it go at that.

Most of us have a tendency, I think, to try to resurrect expired friendships.  Sometimes, when distance or life changes just moved you apart without any animosity on either side, you really can come back together, catch up, and move forward again.  But when hurt feelings or lack of respect were involved, I’ve found “trying again” is like trying to date a bad old boyfriend.  You simply are not compatible and drive each other crazy and often the second “break up” can be worse.

I like to silently wish people well in my mind, sincerely hope things go well for them, give a passing backward glance for the fun times we did have, and then move on.  They have other friends, you have other friends, and chances are they will not show up in another chapter of the book of your life as my friend Ani says.  Sad but necessary.

Create Your Own Budget

Keeping yourself looking good, feeling good, and doing things that make you happy can cost money in our American society.  One can say “get your hair done, exercise your body, or take up a hobby to raise your spirits” easily enough but paying for those things and a myriad of other activities sometimes seem unaffordable.

I, like a million other people, once had NO MONEY. I trimmed my own hair, did my own manicures and pedicures, bought an occasional pair of pants or a shirt at KMart. Christmas and birthdays were a cause for anxiety because the difference between what I wanted to buy people and what I could afford was a chasm the size of the Grand Canyon.  Even keeping up on car insurance, excise tax, oil changes, and registration was a cause for creative fund-shuffling (and ONE credit card).  But I was able to live relatively stress-free because I lived on a BUDGET.  Creditors NEVER called me and I never even considered bankruptcy even after I lost a job.

I know budget-challenged people even today.  Sometimes, things are really tight for them because they are recently divorced or lost a full-time job.  I hear them complain they can’t afford rent but then the next time I see them, they’ve gotten a professional hair foil and I think, “Huh, there goes 10% of their rent”.  Or the time an old friend, chronically underwater even after declaring bankruptcy, insisted on stopping at Dress Barn to buy a certain purple sweater even as she drove into the parking lot complaining about creditors calling her.  DUH.

This is what you do to at least know what disposable income you have at the end of each month:

1. Take a pad of paper, a pen, and a calculator (or open a spreadsheet on your computer) and create two columns.

2. Title Column 1, “Income”.  Enter your monthly take-home pay.  Take-home, not gross.  We all know our gross pay does not end up in our pocket.  So if you bring home four paychecks a month, multiple each take-home check by four.  Some months you get an extra week.  Don’t worry about that now.

3. Title Column 2, “Expenses”.  Brainstorm your type of expenses (no dollars yet), starting with non-negotiable things like rent or mortgage, car payment, car insurance, heat, electricity, phone, cable, etc. Then list negotiable items such as credit card payments (not as negotiable nowadays, I know, but we’re talking just paying the minimum each month), dues, fees, charitable contributions.

4.  Once you have all those out-goes listed, brainstorm personal expenses such as groceries, alcohol, cigarettes, nightclubbing, clothing, beauty indulgences (including hair, nails, massages, whatever).

5.  Let’s say your columns look like this:

Income	Expenses
$2,300.00	Rent/Mortgage
	Car payment
	Car insurance
	Heat
	Electricity
	Cell phone
	Cable TV/Internet
	Credit Card #1
	Credit Card #2
	Store Credit Card #3
	Store Credit Card #4
	Gym membership
	Groceries
	Eating out/going out
	Manicure
	Hair cut/color

WOW – that looks like a lot of stuff to eek out of $2300 a month!  And it is.  Chances are, like most Americans, you’re self-indulging on things you don’t really need right now.  But we’ll get to that.

6. Now start putting in the actual monthly amounts for the expense items.

Income	Expenses
$2,300.00	$ 850.00 Rent/Mortgage
	$ 300.00 Car payment
	$ 60.00 Car insurance
	$ 0 Heat
	$ 35.00 Electricity
	$ 70.00 Cell phone
	$ 75.00 Cable TV/Internet
	$ 108.00 Credit Card #1
	$ 86.00 Credit Card #2
	$ 54.00 Store Credit Card #3
	$ 35.00 Store Credit Card #4
	$ 40.00 Gym membership
	$ 200.00 Groceries
	$ 200.00 Eating out/going out
	$ 35.00 Manicure
	$ 75.00 Hair cut/color
	$ 2,223.00 Total Expenses

Luckily, expenses came in less than income.  But this does not allow for savings, IRA (unless you have a 401(k) at work which is part of the deductions from your gross income), unexpected “crisis” expenses such as someone has asked you to be a bridesmaid, desired items like a vacation once every few years, car repairs, medical expenses not covered by your health insurance, etc.  But at least now you have it down on paper. The fictitious budget above would leave you disposable income of $77 per month, $19.25 per week, which, as we know, can easily be sucked up at Starbucks!

You now have two options: 1) trim unnecessary expenses (do your own manicure, color your own hair, bring your lunch to work, pay off one or two of the lower credit cards and cut them up), or 2) seriously think about picking up a part-time job.  I know this can be impossible if you have a child (we didn’t even figure in daycare here because there are so many difference scenarios), a sick or aging parent you care for, a job where you already are working weekends, etc.

Sometimes, it becomes black or white: cut expenses or increase income. These are short-term decisions to get you within a working budget so you can pad your nest enough to get back to those self-indulgences we all like. Long-term, there are other avenues to consider.  Low-paying job?  Does your company have tuition reimbursement where you can increase your skills to launch you into a better-paying job?  Could you angle one part of your job (you are a whiz at event planning or number crunching) into a different, better-paying job? Are there other living arrangements you could make to decrease your rent/mortgage (mortgage situations have different possibilities: refinance, sell, rent a room out), is your car too expensive?  Can you trade it in on a nice car a few years older?

One thing I’ve learned about credit cards is DON’T CONSOLIDATE.  This is just my personal opinion.  Banks make it look like it’s to your advantage, but the monthly interest soars and it seems daunting to pay off that one big card.  Paying off individual cards one at a time is more satisfying and manageable.

Another thing I’ve learned is ignore those Visa Debit commercials that urge you to use your card at every merchant.  Too many of those swipes per month and you pay a usage fee. Also, you are not in control of what you are spending.  Based on your disposable income, take out a certain amount of CASH each week and THAT IS ALL YOU HAVE TO SPEND.  At first, you will almost cry at the number of things you have to deny yourself (we do, remember, live in a consumer culture where shopping and buying STUFF is the national hobby), but as a week, then two weeks, then a month goes by and you have all this money left in your checking account (or, for once, you’re not overdrawn), you’ll feel relieved.

Now back to those extra monthly paychecks.  Eureka! Put them in savings for a rainy day or use them to pay down a credit card. Or, if you are really underwater, DO NOT use them to buy something you really don’t need.  You know, if you need to shop to “feel good”, take a deep look at that.  There are other, non-monetary activities you can do to pamper yourself.  A good book or magazine cuddled up on the couch under your favorite blanky with a cup of hot chocolate, a long, meaningful talk with a friend, a soak in a hot bathtub – cost nothing and make you feel cozy.

I always hated banks and creditors breathing down my neck.  If I owe, I’m chained.  If I take control of my spending, I’m moving towards personal freedom.

I remember the days when if you wanted something (a new/used car) you actually stayed home to save money or picked up extra hours at work until you had SAVED enough for a down payment!  God, I think that practice is completely out of fashion now!  Even I roll my down payment into the car loan!

Money is the foundation of one’s life. Some self-control is called for if your finances are causing personal distress.  Learn to feed your soul in ways that are not related to spending money or acquiring THINGS. This, to me, is the one black hole in our society.  We’re pressured to live in a certain style, many people don’t like quiet pursuits or feeding their mind and soul with low-cost activities, and we are constantly bombarded with media urging us to buy, buy, buy.  You have to resist.  You have to go inward and figure out why you’re over-indulging. Next time you’re depressed, suit up and take a long, refreshing walk in the woods, a swim in the ocean, or a sunbath (with sunscreen!).  Quiet time to think about your life will bring up solutions. And you’ll still have that $77 in the bank!

Smells

Smell. Odor. Aroma. Scent. Stench.

Depending on your feeling towards a particular smell, your reaction will be either “mmmmm” or “ugghhh”.

As humans, we do not like to admit that our sense of smell is as important as our beautiful eyes or alert ears.  An instinctive sense of smell conjures up visions of a truffle-snuffing pig or a timber wolf excitedly sensing his dinner two miles away.

But although we don’t use our sense of smell to actually find dinner, we certainly have a strong reaction to burnt dinner.  We may not sniff tree trunks wondering who has wandered into our territory but we protest loudly when someone cooks leftover haddock in the microwave at work.  And just think of your reaction when you walk into a restroom and someone has left, ahem, a certain smell behind.  I usually hold my breath while using the facilities then take in large gobs of air once I’m outside.  There is just something WRONG about inhaling someone else’s bodily emanations!

Some individuals detest the smell of manufactured fragrances such as scented candles, perfume, cologne, and air freshener.  If you are the individual who gets an allergic reaction to those scents, you may often feel overwhelmed with them in our society.

In America, we still hold cleanliness up there with good teeth and higher education.  We are fanatical about washing our hands and scrubbing our bathrooms and kitchens.  Most of us shower every day (tip for women over 40: that’s probably one behavior that’s exacerbating our dry skin!) and use products in the home that clean, clean, clean.  Ah, the Western world and its perfectionism.

Growing up, can we all remember that poor kid in class with the dirty hair and clothes that smelled like last week’s underwear?  I remember one Saturday doing charity work in town with my mother and stepping in to the dirtiest home I’d ever seen!  The squalor left a permanent bruise on my soul!  I was repelled and compassionate at the same time.  Why was their life so different from everyone else in town?  How did they get that way? How could they not stand to at least tidy up?  My father used to say, “Just because you’re poor doesn’t mean you have to be a slob”.  He and six siblings, two immigrant parents, and a Sicilian grandmother lived in an apartment over a store front.  I figure he knew what he was talking about.  All my family are neat freaks.

Anyway, between the slovenliness (for whatever reason) and the fanatical cleanliness, most of us want to simply not offend with our smells.

Here are some general guidelines:

1. Smokers have been permanently banished outside which makes patrons happier and cuts down on the amount of cigarettes consumed at restaurants, bars, etc.  If you smoke, even when you walk inside, you trail with you a very strong burnt tobacco odor.  Pop into the bathroom first, wash your hands, and fluff your hair, spray perfume lightly if it won’t offend anyone.  These steps won’t eradicate the whole smell, but they will lessen it for your fellow diners.

2. Keep perfume and cologne use to a minimal level at work, church, and school.  A light, pleasant scent will often make people remark that you smell great, whereas a gallon of even the most expensive perfume will make you like Peanuts’ Pig Pen – shuffling along enveloped in a brown cloud!

3. “Ethnic food” is another issue if you live in an apartment or condominium.  What constitutes “ethnic”?  Maybe your frying hamburgers are giving the practicing Hindus next door a nervous breakdown.  Can’t you stand a little spiciness coming through the walls?  I would vote for trying to get to know each other and sharing food towards a better understanding of each others’ culture.  Maybe you end up learning to cook a fantastic new dish!  Maybe you’ll make lifelong friends.

4. Body odor.  In this day of fully four shelves of antiperspirant/deodorant in supermarkets, I don’t know how anyone can smell like dirty sweat anymore.  Wash your underarms every day (morning and evening if you have a real effluvia), roll on or spray on lots of deodorant and, even if you run a marathon, you will smell like clean sweat.  That garlic streaming from your pores can be pretty potent ditto last night’s over-indulgence in Captain n’ Coke.  I knew a guy once, great guy, lots of fun, whose supervisor told him to stop drinking on the job.  He actually hadn’t drank in two days!  Must’ve been a lonnnngggg weekend of bacchanalia!  I dated a guy once, handsome, respectable, but the garlic smell coming off of him on every date finally turned me off.  I couldn’t take it, great Italian cooking or not.  I thought it was his breath, but, no, it was his sweat!

5.  Speaking of breath, this is the killer for most of us.  I once heard two radio DJs talking about this “great-looking blond” who showed up at one of their radio events.  Then they proceeded to comment on how “she had the worst breath we’ve ever smelled”.  So basically, they started making fun of her as rock DJs will do.  Poor women obviously had no idea. Coffee, cigarettes, restaurant food, ulcers, etc. can all contribute to halitosis.  The key is to ensure the offending odor coming out of your mouth is ONLY occasional.  Brush and floss morning and evening.  Some people brush after every meal.  Keep sugar-free gum or lozenges on hand for times when you’ll have to be working or talking closely to colleagues.  Use mouthwash when desired.  If the problem is from your digestive system, as it often is with acid reflux, work with your doctor to find the right medication and stick to it.  Avoid foods like garlic or onions when you know you have an important presentation or will be working in groups.  The point is, our breath is our life, our bad breath is inevitable sometimes, but conscientious attendance to it will minimize the affliction.

6. Industrial smells.  If they are temporary (the facilities department is painting the lobby at work), try to ignore it.  Just don’t suck in great poofs of it. Ask to have your desk/office temporarily moved until the smell dissipates. If they are chronic (the company next door is belching great geysers of toxic waste), it’s time to get the authorities involved!

7. That unmentionable restroom odor.  We keep a can of Lysol in the women’s room at work.  Just a few spritzes eases the unpleasantness for all of us.  At home, keep a can of air freshener near the commode. Turn on the ventilation system in your bathroom.  Open a window!

8. Flowers.  Something in my soul turns over when I see or smell one of these.  I sense it is the sexiest flower on the planet.  My friend Karen, however, could literally die from inhaling the overwhelming scent of this lily.  I would keep strong-smelling flowers, candles, and incense at home.  A bouquet of neutral daisies or carnations in a vase at work may be fine depending on your office.  The scent of flowers is primarily to attract insects who will carry pollen to other flowers so the species can procreate and survive.  In some ways, perfume and cologne serve the same purpose!  We want to be attractive, not repellent.  Anything that closely tied to sexual activity doesn’t belong in formal settings like the office!

Like most issues dealing with etiquette and social behavior, keeping your personal smells to a non-offending level just takes some empathy and effort.

Postscript: Imagine my surprise when this article appeared on CNN.com:
http://www.cnn.com/2010/TRAVEL/02/18/smelly.passenger/index.html?hpt=Sbin

Borrowing and Lending

“Neither a borrower nor a lender be,

For loan oft loses both itself and friend,

And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.”

Hamlet Act 1, scene 3, 75-77

Old Polonius was giving his son good advice.  Often, lending money to a friend can cause tension between the parties, and, if the money is not paid back, can end the friendship.  Conversely, if you borrow too much on credit, it “dulls the edge of husbandry” (i.e., domestic frugality) as any of us know who are still paying off credit card debt from years ago!

Here are some thoughts on lending:

1. Be realistic when lending money to someone.  If they have a life-long habit of living outside their budget, have declared bankruptcy, or have creditors calling, the chances are good that you will never see your money again.  If you are okay with that, set a maximum amount you are willing to “give” this person and don’t go over it.  Someone really out of whack in their budget will find several people to borrow from, so don’t feel like you have to be a bottomless well!

2. Between responsible friends or family, discuss a repayment plan.  Put it in writing (even email) so both parties are clear on what is expected.  You may or may not charge interest although most adult friends I know don’t do that.  If you are lending money for a first car to your teenaged son, you might want to charge a tiny bit of interest just so they get the idea of what the real world is going to be like (just with much larger interest rates!)

3. Never, ever feel guilty about saying no unless it is your elderly aunt whose water heater just exploded.  You should attempt to help out in that case.  Otherwise, if you are responsible with your budget, and don’t have any extra left over just now, you do not have to morph into a savings and loan.  Suggest the person get a credit card or a small personal loan or SELL SOMETHING ON EBAY.

Here are some thoughts on borrowing:

1. If you are constantly borrowing (credit cards, student loans, car loans, refinancing your mortgage), get with the new green frugality in America and scale back your lifestyle.  We are so used to instant gratification in America that at first this decision-making of “dinner in or dinner out?”, seems counter-intuitive.  Can’t I just go with my whim like usual?  After a while you find it’s sort of a mental challenge to figure out how to cut corners and still maintain a nice lifestyle.  For some reason, Americans have a hard time living with style without a gob of cash always at hand.  Try it!  Find that one chic dress at Marshalls!

2. If you have to borrow money from a friend or family member, take the initiative to set the repayment plan.  Tell them what you can pay back and how often.  Confirm it with an email or handwritten note.  Then stick to it.  If you see the most perfect new sauté pan you JUST HAVE TO HAVE but you know you owe your good friend $100 that week, RESTRAIN YOURSELF!  That sauté pan will be in the stores weeks or months from now; that friendship could be priceless and timeless.

3. If you can pay back earlier or with a little extra thrown in as a thank you, do it.  You always want to err on the side of class.  Or, on your last payment, send or bring along a tiny token of appreciation: a gift card to Dunkin’ Donuts, an item of costume jewelry, a really nice card.  People will never be afraid to lend you money after this.  Your reputation will be intact.

I could write a whole entry on budgeting your money.  Maybe I will.  In the meantime, take Polonius’ advice.

Greetings and Introductions

Greetings, Earthlings!  That alien was so polite.

We greet so many people each day -  while half-asleep waiting for coffee to brew in our kitchens to when the last teenager comes in the door at night.

There are familiar greetings and business greetings.  There are protocols for introductions.  There are implied levels of familiarity.  Let’s outline a few rules.

Rule No. One: do not neglect to introduce people in mixed company.  Have you ever been in a situation where you’ve walked into a room where you know one or two people well and there is a stranger or two there and NO ONE introduces anyone.  Yes, you can all assume you have something in common – namely, the host or hostess – but quick introductions are in order.  “Mildred, this is Ralph and this is George. They work with [my husband] Boniface.”  This opens up a conversation wherein Ralph and/or George can ask Mildred how she comes to know Boniface and his wife.

If your host/hostess does not introduce anyone, feel free to choose someone interesting-looking, extend your hand, smile, and introduce yourself.  “Hi, I’m Mildred.  I’m an old friend of Lola’s – and you are —-?”  You may have to go around the room all night doing this, but just don’t do it like a receiving line where everyone hears you going around the room doing it!

Rule No. Two: address the person of higher status first and introduce the lower-status person to him/her.  For example, your neighbor’s grandmother is sitting in your neighbor’s living room.  You come over with your teenage daughter.  When introducing them, say, “Mrs. Ancient Wise One, I’d like you to meet my daughter, Missy Colt-Awkward”.  You are telling the higher-status person that you have someone you’d like to present to them.  Otherwise, it’s as if your teenage daughter is more important than the aged women (which, in your mind, you may believe, but etiquette is about non-harm and making people feel loved).

Rule No. Three: make sure you actually greet people.  Have you ever walked into a store about to spend your hard-earned (or hard-invested) money and the cashier is busy restocking candy bars and doesn’t even glance your way to say, “Hi, I’ll be with you in a minute”?  Particularly if you are in a customer service position, you need to at least minimally acknowledge a customer.  I blame the lack of this on management not training employees thoroughly.  They train them on the money/goods end of things, but not the gracious service end of things.  If you are in any kind of front-line position (volunteer at the polls, receptionist at your company, hostess at a wedding, etc.), it is your duty to send welcoming words of kindness to visitors and attendees.  A simple smile and a “hello” or “welcome” or “may I help you?” is all it takes.  You don’t have to grovel or drape yourself over them emotionally.

Rule No. Four: observe familiarity protocols at work.  Please do not run into your company’s CEO in the corridor and say, “Hey”. “Hello, Maximillian” or “Hi, Mrs. BigBonus” are good, safe starts.  If he or she then wants to chat with you on a familiar level, go ahead.  If you are a vice president, this rule does not apply.  If you are a junior administrative assistant, don’t even use “hey” with the office manager.  He or she has earned the higher status (we hope) and deserves a modicum of respect.

Rule No. Five: handshakes.  I once watched an office receptionist help a waiting visiting executive kill time by chatting with him in the lobby.  Good social skills, there.  But when another executive came to fetch him, the receptionist stood up and craned herself over the counter in order to shake his hand goodbye.  He didn’t even notice she was doing that because he had turned to greet his executive friend.  Ugh.  How embarrassing for her.  However, she shouldn’t have extended her hand in the first place.  She and he were not on the same business level and by extending her hand to him, she was implying they were.

If you have a cold or flu and don’t want to shake hands because of contagion, just tell your colleague that with a brief apology.  “I’d shake your hand but I have a cold and don’t want to spread it to you”.  Say this even as the other person has his or her arm extended towards you.  Just don’t throw your hands up in a defensive position.  That’s going over the top.  That looks like you wouldn’t touch them with a ten-foot pole.

Rule No. Six: passing in close proximity with strangers. Spending most of my time in the suburbs and exurbs, I don’t hesitate to smile or nod at passing strangers while on a walk or in a downtown store.  There is an assumed familiarity because you both live in a smaller town.  However, I’m sure my friends who live in the city would disagree with this overly-open practice.  I notice on a city subway, no one looks at each other.  I, on the other hand, cannot help looking at everyone.  They probably all think I’m a nut case.

So when passing a stranger in close proximity, smile or nod only if you feel no threat.  Otherwise, keep looking straight ahead or to the ground.  You will probably never see them again anyway.

I’ve run out of Rules on this topic, but if you think of something I’ve missed, please email me or comment on this blog. Au revoir!